A lot of people have left me notes and things saying I am a nie guy and stuff like that. I know it sounds like a compliment but I am not so sure. There is the old phrase that "nice guys finish last".

I am not saying that this is necessarily true, I mean there are some advantages like the fact that I can sleep at night without worrying too much about the people I have damaged and the path of distruction I have left behind me.

The disadvantages though, they number many. I will list them for those who doubt me.

- Sometimes you spend too much time worrying about what everyone else thinks and worrying about what youhave done.

- You tend to overthink eveything and again spend a lot of time making sure your impact on other people is positive.

- Girls dont really like nice guys, I mean as friends they do but when they are boyfriend shopping everyone wants the bad boy.

- The girls that dolike you, then set about damaging you beyond repair because they can.

- When you find a girl who doesnt want to damage you, she finds you too boring because you arent a challenge.

- When you do something bad it looks much worse because people dont expect it from you.

- Pain, you open yourself up to pain, I am sure the bastards of this world dont have to deal with emotional pain. Theie idea of pain is the barfight from last night.

I think that will do for now. I mean there is more but I am getting depressed typing it all. I may go out now and hit a kid just for the sake of it or something. Time to build those walls, treat people like shit and become one of those interesting people that everyone says they hate but secretly admire.

Then again, I have my volunteer work tomorrow, I have to stop by a friends party tonight because no-one else is going to. ALso have to call my sister and make sure she is doing ok before arranging all her money and stuff while she is overseas. Also have to call mum after her recent health scare and make sure she knows I love her.

I dont think there is any hope for me. If I am to become a true bastard then it is probably more work than I am willing to put in. All of those people who have been kind enough to write in and tell me not to change, you dont have to worry cos as it works out it is too late. Change would be way too much like hard work.

Keep smiling for me people, laugh when things are funny, tell a joke to someone who needs one (if you dont know a joke, remember this one "what is brown and sticky???.... a stick!!!), enjoy your own company and help someone you dont know. (I know that joke is bad but tell me seriously it didnt make you smile!!!!)

The All Blacks just won by the way which has put a huge smile on my face. I am still thinking about Sarah all the time (I actually dreamt I was talking to her on the phone last night and woke up in a panic when i saw the phone wasnt attached to my ear), the thougts about her are happy ones and I hope she is doing ok, I am seeing Anne tomorrow in the hospital on my volunteer work, My job is settling down and am starting to love it again. I have made some new friends and the All Blacks won, did I mention that the All Blacks won!!!!!

Life is pretty good right now.

Love you all

Jason

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