I am pretty sure everyone knows there is a book out there that old bored people read called “The Joy of Sex”, now call me foolish but I wouldn’t think you would need a book to explain that to you. I would be pretty sure most people would understand that sex is joyful and loving and all that stuff. What we need is for someone to explain the joy of other things. I am that person and today I will attempt to delve into these joys and explain them to the joyless.

The Joy of Rugby

For those who have never played rugby before which being honest would be most of you this is an incredibly hard thing to explain. The joy of rugby however is jamming your head between the arses of two men bigger than you whilst rain and hail belt down on your back. There is also the joy of tasting your own blood which can happen pretty regularly.

The Joy of Eating Meat

This is for the vegetarians amongst us. You poor souls. The joy of eating meats is a whole novel in itself but I will summarize as best I can to a paragraph. It is waking up to the smell of slightly overcooked bacon and imaging it being all greasy between to slices of fresh bread. It is the joy of having blood dribble down your chin even though you haven’t been hurt. It is the joy of being able to go into any fast food shop you want and ordering whatever the hell you feel like. Meat eating is freedom.

The Joy of Smoking

As a reformed smoker I am in a unique position to discuss this. Smoking seems so insidious yet when you are doing it nothing could seem more perfect. Everything in the world smells exactly the same and things like beer never ever tasted so good. Somehow you have won a battle with your own body and forced it to accept something it had no interest in whatsoever. The joy of smoking is mostly however the thrill of staving off the withdrawal symptoms you face when you stop.

The Joy of Getting Drunk

Remember when you were a kid and your parents would pay for a lucky dip for you. You never had any idea what you were going to get and even though it was invariably a piece of plastic crap you were excited before hand and treasured it afterwards. This is just like getting drunk, you are excited before it starts and you have no idea about what will happen, where you will wake up, whether or not you will live through the experience and at the end you have memories or experiences you will treasure even if you don’t remember them and need a third party to remind you of what you did.

The Joy of Being a Man

This one is probably controversial but I want all the girls to try something. Sit out in front of your house in nothing but a pair of shorts and listen to the sport on the radio whilst scratching yourself. See what happens. Being a man is freedom from judgement. No matter how wrong it is, woman will always be judged by a whole different standard than men and it is nice to be on the right side of that.

The Balance

Just as sex surely has a downside I am not familiar with, these things also have downsides which I will now spent a disproportionately small amount of time discussing. Rugby means lots of hard training and usually a great deal of pain. I have 27 scars on my head. Eating meat will bring on death through your clogged fatty arteries much sooner than need be. Smoking means coughing up black phlegm when you have a cold. Drinking means your forget everything which is pretty good cause most of what you do is highly embarrassing. And being a man means never being able to flirt your way out of a ticket or fine of any kind. See, it is all a balancing act and I think that is enough wisdom dispensed for today.

Keep Smiling

Jason

<< last - next >>