As a super successful businessman and all round nice guys I thought it was time I started to work on my motivational speaking tour. Being that no one in the real world will listen to me it only seems fair that I start it all right here. So here are the rules I live my life by.

- Never ever eat anything bigger than your own head (the only exception being if it was a drunken dare from your friends).

- Never drink anything you can’t see through. This includes milk, which is just disgusting but allows for all alcohols except girly stuff like Baileys and Kahlua.

- Ignore, punctuation – as “somehow” it just seems. To get` ‘in’ the way!

- It is ok to eat human flesh in extreme situations although how extreme tends to vary person to person although I have learned that “I was hungry at 1am after a big night out and all the local food shops were closed” is not deemed extreme enough by our fascist police force.

- Wind down the window before vomiting out of it in a moving car (part two of the rule is that if you are in the front seat make sure the back windows are closed… just trust me)

- Broken bones hurt, makes sure if bones are broken they are someone elses.

- If you are ever stuck for conversation and people want to hear a joke I always use the following, which whilst not being politically correct, isn’t rude or sexist… What is the only thing better than winning a gold medal at the paralympics? Walking! Is always a great conversation starter and if it isn’t then is just as likely to give you an excuse to leave as you are escorted from the bar/workplace/function/date.

- Nothing impresses future employers more than having the confidence to turn up to your interview naked on a cold morning.

- If you have a huge pile of filing to do and limited time. I find that most offices come with an automated water based filing system in a small room out the back. Place all paper inside it round porcelain walls and push the button on top. Hey presto! Filing finished.

- Never laugh at death in case he doesn’t get the joke and desperately wants to be a part of it.

- Cicadas are a valuable source of protein.

- It is easy to talk other people down that talk yourself up. Talking yourself up makes you sounds egotistical whereas talking others down makes you a valuable source of office gossip.

- Talking someone out of voting or John Howard takes hours whereas a bullet costs 30 cents. How much do you value your time?

- Humming the funeral march in office meetings isn’t always appreciated.

I think for now this will do. I have more but sharing too much of my wisdom will put you in too much of a powerful position and before you are ready to handle this it could be dangerous. I hope this small selection helps you though.

Keep Smiling

Jason

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