Think you know torture. Think you have watched movies about the war and know now what torture is. Well you dont, you never will until you have lived through it. If you want to know what torture is then take my word for it that I know.

Yesterday I got to work. Armed with the large buddy bottle of diet coke. It is coffee for those who dont drink coffee. I knocked it down pretty quickly as I flicked through my email.

There in my inbox was an email intrigingly titled "Call of Nature". Strangely emailed from one of my bosses which meant it couldnt be a joke because he has no sense of humour. I opened it and there it was "The water will be off until 10.30 today so if you feel the call of nature you will have to walk to the shops or find a public toilet. The whole area is shut down so it will be a long walk".

What the hell!!! I dont do long walks. Not ever. Here it was, 8.30, an hour and a half since my last urination (ha! great word) and two hours to go.

By 10 I was practically bursting but I hang on. I could do this easy. Then the little envelope popped up on the bottom of my screen. It had been extended til 2pm. Now I am brave man but what the hel is that all about. By then it would have been seven hours and I had a lot of diet coke swimming in my bladder just looking for an exit. I was so full I swear I was starting to taste the diet coke all over again.

The only person who should have been happy was the weird bearded guy on the other side of the office. He hasnt hit the bowl in 6 weeks of trying since I got here. Doesnt ever need to flush but even he looked stressed. All around the office all you could see were knees jiggling or legs tightly crossed.

At 1 oclock, 6 hours since my last sign of relief I had to make a break for it. I excused myself for lunch and strode rather quickly to the sandwich shop I was reliably advised was working.

In one motion the fly was down everthing flowed like some sort of crazily beautiful waterfall. My sigh of relief could be heard for suburbs. I went out, ordered myself some lunch and sat in the park and ate it. All the while grinning like a man who just won a million dollars.

So next time you watch stories about the war and hear people telling torture stories you can relate to them how you know the man who went 6 and a half hours without a pee with a bladder full of diet coke.

Keep Smiling

Jason

<< last - next >>