Dear Santa
OK Santa. It has been a couple of years since I wrote to you but dont forget I havent forgotten your failure to follow through on anything I have asked for. In fact I havent just kept it in mind I have come up with a diabolical plan to ensure this year you actually keep your end of the bargain.

Unlike previous years this year in the most part I have behaved pretty well so you no longer can hide behind that whole disclaimer about my poor behaviour. This year I have been at the top of my game. When we moved house I lugged the heavy boxes up two flights of stairs with barely a complaint, I have still done my volunteer work, I have been nice to the people I work with (at least to their faces), I have treated my mother in law with class and have broken less laws than ever before and not been caught once.

Still my lack of trust in your ability to carry your end of the deal means I need to come up with some sort of insurance. I have in the past threatened your reindeer and even your own safety but this hasnt done us any good at all. Mostly because I can be really lazy when it comes to following through, the fact that you arrive so late means that I am usually in bed and you being the cunning bastard you are know that I love my sleep.

So this year I am going to go the easy option. If you dont follow through on what I have asked for you dirty old bearded pervert I am going to cause you a world of pain. You see right now I am a touch green. I am careful with the whole greenhouse effect thing. This year though if you dont give me what I want I am going to let the whole world burn. I will stop using roll on deoderant and use the aerosol one. I will stop turning my electrical appliances off at the wall and let all that extra power get used. I will stop using the half flush button and everytime I will flush the big button. I am going to take great pleasure in Lapland melting into nothing. I hope you can swim big boy.

If that isnt enough come Christmas next year I am going to report some fat greying dirty old man crawling through childrens bedrooms to the police and you will have to wonder which house you are going to get arrested in. Dont think I am not onto you cos I know exactly what your game is. If Michael Jackson cant do it then neither can you. Pervert.

So this is what I want.

- Allblacks have to win the world cup
- The Bombers need to at least make the finals
- We need a nice house that we dont pay too much for
- Some more money wouldnt hurt either
- Debbie Gibson still hasnt refound her fame and for this one I really hold your responsible. I know she was on the skating celebrity show but that was a half arsed attempt to help her and you know it.

So that is my list. All easily achievable I am sure you will agree. I havent asked for the ridiculous stuff like World Peace or George Bush being found dead of an overdose with a room full of hookers and gay priests. Although if you could fine your way to those things I would certainly look upon it favourably.

Keep Smiling You Fat Jolly Bastard

Jason

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